tonight

Sabrina is crying, she is over tired and Glenn is singing to her. He just apologised so sweetly to her for playing to long. I don’t blame him, it was too cute. She has been climbing on the lounge and springing into his arms bursting with gurgling laughs as they met eye to eye.

The gums, top and bottom, on the left side of her mouth are bloated and red. It looks like she has two raspberries stuck in her mouth and her sleep patterns are non existent. My head is full of fuzzy achiness and my throat is sore. I didn’t make it to the end of the day I sank into sleep in the early afternoon and she followed soon after. Sealing tonight’s fate.

Lilly just appeared in the passage dancing the circular toilet dance. Dark corridors scare her and she needs my help. Sabrina screams because I have left the room even thought she has Glenn. She is clingy because she stayed at Grandma and Granda’s while we took Eli to the doctors. When I came back into the room I wanted to hold her so she stops wanting me but my arms ache, I hate feeling sick.

She has just now uttered a gentle sigh and fluttered shut her eyes, I am jealous of Glenn I like to hold her as she drifts away, to share that last moment together before her mind wanders away in sleep. She is beautiful from this angle though, they both are, father and daughter.

Eli isn’t sick, we just needed to check. He complains of hurting legs and needs to wee constantly when we go places, mostly places with lots of people. He also hates to much noise and change. The doctor thinks he has some anxiety issues and referred us to a paediatrician. He also had an ultrasound to rule out any more sinister causes. We don’t have the results officially but the lady said both kidneys and bladder look fine. He got to see his heart pumping and made his organs jump on the screen by taking big breath so he had a good day. It was surreal having just one child. Glenn and I took him out to lunch before we collected the tribe. He spent most of the meal under the table singing to a chip, I think he missed his sisters.

Sabrina is sound asleep in Glenn’s arms and he is shooting different sized birds at green iPod pigs.

He has just put her into her cot, lets hope it takes. Glenn looks shattered but the tablets I took before have kicked in and I’m wide awake. I can’t stop thinking about a family I have been praying for that lost their child Anjali to cancer this week and how dark and empty that must feel. This world holds such beauty and horror and we, the creatures dwelling in it have learnt to carry both in our hearts.  I pray that God will make me strong enough to live through this world rejoicing in the wonder morning at the loss and loving and being loved throughout it all. I pray a selfish prayer so that I can hope to pass on the strength he gives me to the little hearts sleeping in their beds.