A little glimpse inside my head.

Be carful it’s messy in here.
If you come in you may get lost.
I can’t figure out were all this stuff belongs. Some days my mind is ordered, each thought, each emotion has it’s place, millions of memories folded perfectly and placed in their own little box. They have labels, good thoughts, bad ones, things I need to do, places I’ve been all printed neatly and attached to the front. Then each little box slots one on top of the other on an endless bookshelf, slightly speckled with dust, wood worn gentle to the touch and creaking with the weight.

Today the boxes are scattered on the ground, half written labels flutter around the spaces of my mind and I am left holding thoughts with no place to put them. 

I can hear the stream of distant cars on the highway, it sounds like the ocean.

Or maybe the ocean is just in my head.

The other night I acknowledged a birthday, a twenty first, without the guest of honour. I know that if he had been here to write the guest list I would not have been on it but I would have heard about it. I would have been part of the gaggle of voices. A combined mass of opinions, fears and dreams, the wonderings about this boys life. The baby of a family that has, as gentle time slides on an on, become so very dear to me. I miss his name in conversations, I miss his smile at children’s parties, I miss watching lyre birds mimicking chainsaws on YouTube.

The children are schooling themselves today. I have totally failed at getting this foggy feeling to leave me. They are doing a better job than I would be at the moment they are making an under the sea mural.

We found out last week that a close member of my family has cancer or probably, 95% sure has cancer. So there’s surgery and testing and waiting and maybe chemo. It was caught early, this type has great odds so there is hope, and fear and worry. 

And someone else at the same time a beautiful woman from my church. Someone who opens her life and her home up to all, some one who is the quiet backbone holding us all together has cancer too.

Sadness?

Shock?

Shock doesn’t cover it I need a box labeld shock and other emotions.

I have an over whelming desire to fix them all, to make those that are broken whole again. But I can’t. I do not have the ability.

All I have is Jesus and the hope that he brings. The hope that is his gift to us when he humbled himself and became man. When he soaked in the sea of emotions that is humanity and still, after feeling the evils of this world, took the blame that belonged to us, took the punishment that belonged to us, died in our place so that one day this broken world will be swept away. All the grit and dust and fog and emotions we have no boxes for will disappear and we will live in peace. Because our God loves and our God forgives, don’t forget him this Christmas. All we have is Jesus and he is everything.